Hurting

My sweet Bella baby seems to sense when I'm hurting. She's staying right by my side.
If your a praying person I would greatly appreciate your prayers that I can find a fix to my back pain. I feel like I'm running out of options and I'm so scared I won't find relief.

I'm so tired of living in a drugged haze that only partially masks the pain. I may seem fine at times but it's just a roller coaster of either extreme pain or discomfort, it never goes away. I can take pills to help take the edge off but then feel in a fog or I can feel kinda normal but be in horrible pain. Believe me with being in class/training for a new job, it has made it so so hard to focus. I love this job and I don't want anything to jeopardize it.

I'm so desperate for relief and to get my life back. Fitness was my life and it feels like it's been ripped away from me. Exercise always cleared my head and helped me feel amazing, but I can't even do that. And I feel like now is when I need it most...but I can't. Yeah maybe I pushed too hard for too long, in denial I was really as bad off as I am. But I craved that adrenaline rush I get when I workout, I need that release of stress I have during a really hard workout, I need that heart pumping, sweat inducing cardio. But all I can do is walk now. No weights, no CrossFit, no road cycling, no running, no Triathlons. Everything I loved and lived for I can't do.

So you may see me smile, you see me dressed nice and looking like nothing is wrong. But I'm hurting inside and I just wanna feel normal again. It's funny I'm not sure what hurts more sometimes, my back or my heart when I think about how much this has limited my life of the things I love most.
We have family pictures tonight for the kids birthday month and I honestly don't know how I'm going to stop crying long enough to be able to smile. I feel so ridiculously emotional these days. I hate being emotional!

Sorry for the pity party post, just feeling so incredibly discouraged, and tired of holding in all my feelings of hopelessness to myself. Sometimes even the strong feel weak.
So thank you for letting me be a crying blubbering idiot while I write this. I may go back and delete this later, I don't like to throw my emotional baggage on fb, but right now it feels right.

I did it!!!!

I did it!! Never thought this day would come! Even though it stopped being about the scale a long time ago, it still feels good to see it. It's twice as sweet to get here even through my recent back injury which has limited my working out severely. ‪#‎nevereverquit‬ ‪#‎crossfit‬ #bestshapeever

On another note....
My second home, even if I can't workout with them again yet I can come here and be with my crew and get a walk in around the complex. 😁 Love this place and these people! ‪#‎nevereverquit‬

Be Strong

Someday's are so hard. The pain seems so overwhelming. It never stops, it never goes away. On the outside I look fine most of the time, but I'm hurting sometime more than others. Sometimes where it's all I can focus on. Other times I can ignore it for a few min at a time.  After awhile it gets hard to be strong. I have to keep telling myself and listening to my friends who help assure me it will not be like this forever. If you don't have hope , what do you have left?

Meal Preppin

Another Sunday of meal prep is done. 

For all transparency, I also have a protien shake for breakfast and dinner as well. So I basically have 5 meals a day, with my biggest in the middle. 

It may not be the most perfect menu plan but hey, I planned ahead and portion controlled and that's half the battle to keep from grabbing everything in sight and shoving it in my mouth. 😉 (and yes that's fake meat)

Love this man!

#funinthesun #inlove

Injection #2...

Round number 2. Crossing my fingers this time works to relieve the back pain.... I think Gabe's trying to crawl in my hospital bed. It's cold up in here!

Post injection.....
Hanging out with my ice pack, my sweet Bella kitty.... Nicole Kidman and Julia Roberts. Catching up on movies I've been wanting to watch.

This! 

Tired of feeling broken....

Pain has this horrible way of slowly eating away at your strength. Over 10 weeks now. I'd give almost anything to be out of pain and off pain pills. I'm so incredibly tired of feeling broken.

There is no in between.

Hahaha. This is so me.

(So at this date I was almost two weeks past my first procedure and had no pain relief from the injections. Later this week I went in to try a second injection that also didn't provide relief)

The Best is yet to come.

This is what I keep having to tell myself. Each day that my back doesn't get better and sometimes even worst it's so easy to get pulled into this mindset that nothing is ever going to change. But I can't get stuck there.