Hurting

My sweet Bella baby seems to sense when I'm hurting. She's staying right by my side.
If your a praying person I would greatly appreciate your prayers that I can find a fix to my back pain. I feel like I'm running out of options and I'm so scared I won't find relief.

I'm so tired of living in a drugged haze that only partially masks the pain. I may seem fine at times but it's just a roller coaster of either extreme pain or discomfort, it never goes away. I can take pills to help take the edge off but then feel in a fog or I can feel kinda normal but be in horrible pain. Believe me with being in class/training for a new job, it has made it so so hard to focus. I love this job and I don't want anything to jeopardize it.

I'm so desperate for relief and to get my life back. Fitness was my life and it feels like it's been ripped away from me. Exercise always cleared my head and helped me feel amazing, but I can't even do that. And I feel like now is when I need it most...but I can't. Yeah maybe I pushed too hard for too long, in denial I was really as bad off as I am. But I craved that adrenaline rush I get when I workout, I need that release of stress I have during a really hard workout, I need that heart pumping, sweat inducing cardio. But all I can do is walk now. No weights, no CrossFit, no road cycling, no running, no Triathlons. Everything I loved and lived for I can't do.

So you may see me smile, you see me dressed nice and looking like nothing is wrong. But I'm hurting inside and I just wanna feel normal again. It's funny I'm not sure what hurts more sometimes, my back or my heart when I think about how much this has limited my life of the things I love most.
We have family pictures tonight for the kids birthday month and I honestly don't know how I'm going to stop crying long enough to be able to smile. I feel so ridiculously emotional these days. I hate being emotional!

Sorry for the pity party post, just feeling so incredibly discouraged, and tired of holding in all my feelings of hopelessness to myself. Sometimes even the strong feel weak.
So thank you for letting me be a crying blubbering idiot while I write this. I may go back and delete this later, I don't like to throw my emotional baggage on fb, but right now it feels right.